


The HR Director

by orphan_account



Series: Batman/Superman Office!AU [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Superman - All Media Types, Teen Titans - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Dick Pics, F/M, M/M, inappropriate emails, mentions of past relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 21:18:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6210445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An Office!AU that explores the lives of the employees of Kent-Wayne Industries.</p><p>Name: Barbara Gordon<br/>Age: 30<br/>Occupation: Human Resources Director<br/>Likes: making bets, her job<br/>Dislikes: wasting time, her job<br/>Number of Days Without a Work-Related Injury: 21<br/>Last Work-Related Injury: bit her tongue when Kon and Tim started making out in the middle of their mediation</p>
            </blockquote>





	The HR Director

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATE: [My Tumblr](http://burningice2.tumblr.com/)

**I. The Parking Spot Incident**

“I’m sorry,” Barbara said with a baffled look. “Let me just repeat what I _think_ I heard, because this sounds absurd.”

Jason had his arms crossed over his chest with an eyebrow raised, as if the crap that came out of his mouth had made complete sense and she had a hearing problem. For good measure she enhanced the email on her computer, just to make sure. Roy had the decency to look ashamed— _as he should_ —but his eyes swiveled toward Jason every so often to shoot him glares. If he was trying to make her feel sorry for him, it wasn’t working. They were both idiots and created this problem together.

“The email was not as specific,” Barbara read from her monitor, “but let’s see if I have this correct.” She pointed at Jason. “You drove to work and were going to park in your usual spot next to Ross Lind’s reserved space, and then you,” she said, pointing at Roy, “tried to park in his spot at the same time that he was driving into it. Some expletives were exchanged through rolled down windows and then…” She sighs, because this next part just… “Roy, you got out of your car and _stood_ in the parking space so Jason couldn’t drive in…and that’s when you broke your foot.” She eyed the cast on Roy’s foot in disdain.

“Pretty much,” Roy confirmed.

“Jason, you could have seriously hurt him if you were actually _trying_ to run him over.”

Jason grunted. “It’s his own damn fault. He left his car in the middle of the parking lot, so I assumed that when he moved out of the parking space he would stay out of the parking space. He came running back as soon as I started to drive in!”

“You were supposed to stay,” Roy said.

“Why would I do that?” Jason yelled. “You moved, the space was empty, I was in my car, so I drove in!”

“That’s just not good driving etiquette. And by the way, asshole, you never signed my cast. Some friend—”

“Stop, stop, just stop,” Barbara pleaded. “Jason, Roy is our main IT guy, and he needs to be on his feet to work. _You ran over his foot._ ”

“On. Accident,” Jason clarified slowly. “I even apologized despite this being his fault. I don’t know what more you want from me, Babs.”

“I want you to cooperate for this HR Mediation. We still have another half hour to go.” She looked at her monitor and noticed a new email in her inbox. Ignoring Jason’s and Roy’s petty bantering, she opened the new email.

_Thank god._

“Okay, everybody,” she interrupted their argument. “It looks like news travels fast. Bruce wants you guys in his office _immediately_.”

“Both of us?” Roy squeaked.

“Yup.”

She was feeling _very_ satisfied.

“I’m the one who got hurt!” Roy shouted. “Why am I in trouble, too? Jason’s not in a cast! Jason gets to walk around the office playing grab-ass with Dick, and I get to hobble around on crutches—”

“Roy, as of right now you’re supposed to be in Bruce’s office, so this is no longer my problem.” It was rude, but sometimes she questioned whether she got paid enough to do this. “Both of you get out. I need to pick my daughter up from my father’s.”

She hoped Bruce gave them hell.

 

 

 

**II. The Stolen Office Supplies Incident**

This was by far the most frivolous HR appointment she has ever made. She could not believe that someone was trivial enough to go around stealing peoples’ office supplies, and because complaints were coming from Bruce’s core team, it was implied that whoever was stealing supplies was part of that team.

Wally and Bart were the first people she called in. They were the designated office pranksters, but they swore they had nothing to do with the missing supplies. She wasn’t quick to believe them, but they argued that they could think of better pranks than stealing office supplies; it was child’s play. Barbara thought about the time when she got off the elevator on the fourteenth floor to go to her office and found a hot tub in the middle of the hall and decided that, yes, they could do better.

Something this pithy was worthy of Jason Todd, so he was the next person who was dragged to her office. Twenty minutes of back-and-forth bullshit revealed nothing, and she became so aggravated with his rude behavior that she kicked him out of her office earlier than planned.

Barbara called in all the interns, interrogated them individually. She tried to seem really scary by threatening to report them to Bruce or Clark, and it worked because some of them looked ready to shit themselves, but no one fessed up. When she had Colin in her office, Damian had barged in and went on a rampage, calling her hag and accusing her of abusing her power. All she could do was threaten to notify his father of his behavior, but the fight ended with Damian as the victor, hauling Colin out of her office with the promise of fro-yo.

Imbecile after imbecile passed through her office, and nothing was turning up. Tim didn’t even bother showing up, emailing his rejection to her request and saying that “allotting time to be present for such a ridiculous meeting would be absurd” and that she was “deranged for thinking that he would take part in such a mundane pursuit.” She was going to leave that one alone for now.

By the time she was finished talking with everyone it was past noon and she had not gotten the chance to take fifteen minutes to eat her lunch. Sometimes she didn’t mind eating in her office, but she had been stuck there for five hours and she needed to breathe. She took her paper bag lunch out of the mini-fridge and opened it to see what her daughter had packed her that morning. It wasn’t too bad of a job for a seven-year-old: some yogurt with granola and an apple. The cutie had even left a note.

 

_Babs,_

_Have a good day at work :)_

_Love,_

_Carly and Mommy_

 

Barbara smiled to herself. Although Carly grew up calling her Babs, Diana had made it clear that she was as much Carly’s mother as she was. She was sure that Diana had helped Carly pack a lunch that didn’t contain fruit rollups or Go-Gurts, but knowing that Carly put her heart into the act was enough to make her heart flutter.

As she entered the break room, Barbara was met with a sight that made her blood boil, like when she sees Dick playing games on his computer instead of responding to emails. In front of her were the company’s managers, Dick, Kate, and Diana, with office supplies spread out all over the table, looking very lost.

“What the hell?”

“Hey, Babe,” her wife greeted her. “Where have you been hiding all day?”

Barbara hoped that the way she was looking at Diana conveyed the betrayal she felt arising from this situation. “I’ve had appointments all day, because there have been complaints about _stolen office supplies._ ”

They nodded with their gazes fixed blankly on the office supplies until it suddenly dawned on them what she had said, and their grim expressions turned petrified.

“About that,” Dick began, “Bruce asked us to make a poster for the Gotham Children’s Hospital, and we didn’t have enough supplies.”

“So you stole everybody’s?”

“Borrowed,” Kate corrected.

“Well, if any of you made that clear from the beginning, I wouldn’t have wasted my time today.”

“Sorry, hon,” Diana said. “I’ll make it up to you tonight.”

“Mhm,” was all Barbara thought she could manage without completely losing her shit.

 

 

 

**III. The Footsy Incident**

“It was rude, unprofessional, distracting, _invasive_ —”

This was not the first time Barbara has had to email Conner and Tim to schedule a mediation. Their issues ranged from inappropriate touching to tasteless comments and emails. Bruce thought he had it rough with Damian, but there were times where Clark really had his hands full with Conner. At least Damian wasn’t an office flirt and part-time sexual deviant.

No matter the subject of these mediations, they usually went the same. Tim would rant about how Conner’s behavior was atrocious and just because he was the CEO’s son didn’t mean that he could treat everyone with disrespect, while Conner sat next to him looking very pleased with himself. Barbara knew Clark disapproved of Conner’s behavior, but these mediations never did anything to resolve the tension between Conner and Tim, so she would rather Clark handle his son instead of have her time wasted on an issue that would visit her again the next week.

“—don’t know why he can’t keep it in his pants!”

“I just can’t control myself around you,” Conner said with a wink. Barbara thinks that it was supposed to be charming.

_“You’re a pig!”_

“Okay!” Barbara interjected before the situation could escalate. “Tim, breathe.” He took a deep, calming breath as instructed. “Good. Conner,” she said with a sigh, “playing footsy with a non-consenting partner—”

“Don’t refer to me as his partner—”

“—is considered a form of sexual harassment. You should know by now, especially with how much you’ve been in here, that sexual harassment is not condoned at Kent-Wayne Industries.”

“Say that a hundred more times and it still won’t get through his thick skull,” Tim spat.

“He liked it,” Conner argued.

“Excuse me?” Barbara asked, not liking at all where this was going.

“After the meeting, he slapped my ass in the hallway—”

“Whoa, whoa—”

“Conner!”

 _“Shut up!”_ Barbara hissed. This mediation was not going where it usually went. “I don’t understand. Are you two in a relationship?”

Tim snorted. “I wouldn’t call it that.”

“Call it what you want,” Conner said, “but I can tell you that the only reason I’m here is because he saw me talking—”

_“Flirting—”_

“—with one of the Lex Corp Reps, and _somebody_ got jealous—”

“Oh, _please_ —”

“—hence, why we’re here.”

Barbara let her face fall into her hands as she prayed to whatever higher being existed for enough patience to get through the rest of the workday. “Are you telling me that you are not making a complaint about Conner, and the only reason that he is here is so that you can teach him a lesson?” Tim’s silence was enough of an answer. “And the other HR mediations?”

“Oh, I was making serious accusations,” Tim insisted. “And what I said before is true. Conner and I are _not_ in a relationship.”

“I don’t care,” she groaned. “Just go. Leave my office.”

 

 

 

**IV. The Second Copy Machine Incident**

“I just don’t understand why it’s so difficult to use a copy machine properly,” Barbara said in amazement. She zoomed in on the photo that was emailed to her from Bruce. “Whoever this is _clearly_ works out.” Brue grunted over the phone. “It’s definitely the same butt from the first photo.”

_“I know I’ve hired all of you for a reason, I just can’t remember what it was.”_

Barbara laughed. “Bruce, I ask myself how some of us got here every time I lead a mediation. I know you’re job is difficult, but try doing mine for a day.”

_“I’ve been doing what you do for over twenty years, and it’s called parenting.”_

“Good point,” she mused. “Do you want me to email everyone again? I can reserve a conference room.” Bruce was silent for a few moments. “Hello?”

 _“No,”_ he replied. _“No, that won’t be necessary.”_

“Are you sure?” she asked. “I could at least send an email. This is the second time this happened, Bruce. Christ, I’m afraid the next time this happens you’ll be emailing me a dick—”

 _“Barbara,”_ Bruce said in a strangled voice _, “I have to be at Lex Corp in an hour. I don’t have time to deal with this._ Just fix it _.”_

“I don’t understand how I’m supposed to fix this. Nobody came forward last time, so what’s stopping them from doing so again?”

 _“I have to go,”_ Bruce rushed his words. _“Don’t forget to forward the seminar information to the team.”_ He abruptly hung up.

Barbara looked at her phone in disbelief. “What the hell?” she muttered to herself.

 

 

 

**V. The Bathroom Incident**

“Cass, you can’t use the men’s room. It’s making people uncomfortable.”

“Give me names,” Cass demanded. “I’ll take care of it.”

“No, I’m supposed to take care of it. That’s why you’re here.”

“Hmm.”

None of them should be here. It was five-o-clock, and they should all be getting ready to go home. She told Diana that she might have to call her mother and have her pick up Carly from a friend’s house, because they were going to be leaving late. Dinner wasn’t going to be ready on time, Carly was going to be behind schedule, everyone was going to get to bed late…

“Why?” Barbara asked as she made a decision. “Just tell me why, and you can leave. None of us want to be here, and I want to go home with Diana and Carly.”

“Fine,” Cass quickly agreed. “The girls’ restroom is always full, no matter what floor you’re on, the women hog the sinks to gossip and put on makeup, and it smells like vagina.”

“Those bother everyone,” Barbara agreed, “but that doesn’t mean that you can use the men’s restroom.”

“Babs, I can tell that you’re not invested in these complaints you’re receiving from men who are uncomfortable with being exposed.”

“I’m really not.”

“How about I tell everyone that I’m transitioning so that they can’t complain to HR that I’m using the men’s restroom?”

“But you’re not transitioning.”

“You don’t know that.”

“You’re _not_ transitioning.”

“Nobody else needs to know that.” Barbara pursed her lips, disgusted with herself for considering for a fraction of a second to go along with Cass’s lie so she could get out of the office on time. “I know you want to get out of here and pick up Carly,” Cass said, taking advantage of her weariness.

The time on the computer said it was five-fifteen, but she was sure it said that ten minutes ago. Barbara exhaled loudly. “I’ll tell you what. I’ll mention in the report that we met and resolved the issue so that we can leave, but if I get any more complaints, then I’m going to send you directly to Bruce so you can inform him about your transition. Agreed?”

“Fine,” Cass huffed. “But that transition alternative is still on the table—”

“Get out.”

 

 

 

 

**VI. The Dick Pic Incident**

“Babs,” Dick practically whimpered into his hands. “I am…so sorry…”

He looked pathetic, slumped over in his seat, face covered in shame. Before she even had a chance to fully process what she was seeing on her phone screen, the door to her office had burst open to reveal a panting Dick, tie thrown over his shoulder, one shoe partially off his foot, and a horrified look on his face.

“It’s… _fine._ ”

It wasn’t.

“I’m so humiliated,” he whined. He wasn’t alone, because she was feeling quite embarrassed.

Barbara remained unresponsive with her eyes glued to her desk. She heard him groan in distress. It was awkward. Obviously, Dick hadn’t meant to send the picture to her or else he wouldn’t have run to her office in a desperate hurry to explain why his penis was sitting in her inbox. The bright side to this was that this unfortunate episode meant that Bruce offered to handle the Damian situation from earlier in the week. Barbara was sure that Damian would be replacing the company computer he broke.

When Barbara had finally found her voice she told Dick, “You shouldn’t be. Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

Dick choked. “W—well…”

It was well-known they had been an item forever. They had dated in high school, but broke up when she went off to college. They had gotten back together after he and Kori had ended their engagement after being together all throughout college and awhile afterwards. Barbara and Dick had resumed dating and two years later found themselves engaged, broke up, got engaged _again_ , then broke up one last time. Needless to say, Dick made sure that he was on amazing terms with both of his ex-fiancés when he found out they would be working with him.

“Why would you _email_ somebody a dick pic? We can text now.” Technically, she should be reporting this because it was sent from Dick’s work email, but she was willing to hear him out for old time’s sake.

“I know, I know,” he rushed, “but I don’t text at work. It was just out of habit. And what’s wrong with email?”

“What?”

“That’s a classy way to exchange nudes. It’s how politicians do it with the girls on their campaign teams.”

“Jesus Christ, Dick, off topic. You sent _me_ the picture!”

“Right,” he mumbled, back to feeling ashamed.

"I've heard whispers of you and Gross Daryl spending some time together outside of the office—"

"No!" Dick yelled. "I am not involved with Daryl!" She hid her laughter so that Dick didn't have to feel any worse about the situation. The idea of Dick dating that beneath him was ludicrous, but she couldn't help teasing him a little. It was some harmless payback for that obscene photo.

“Who was it for?” she asked seriously.

“No one.”

“Who was it for?”

“I don’t know.”

“Who was it for?”

“I’m not telling.”

“Spill or I report this to Bruce.”

“You’re blackmailing me!” he exclaimed. “You can’t abuse your power like this!”

“I’m offering you a way out of this getting to the higher-ups,” she explained. “As a manager, you should be taking advantage of this alternative. You’re supposed to be setting an example for the staff, and what kind of example do you think emailing a picture of your thrill drill to the HR director sends?”

“Don’t call it that ever again.”

“Who, Dick?” She almost felt bad, because Dick looked like he was one more penis euphemism away form bursting into tears, but he wasn’t the one with a picture of her vagina on his phone. He mumbled something so incoherent that she didn’t quite make out what it was he said. “What was that?”

“Jason,” he grit through his teeth.

_“Wow.”_

“Please, Babs, just don’t.”

“Really, Dick?”

No one knew the circumstances surround Dick and Jason’s breakup one year ago, only that it had ended _terribly._ She would know, having had them sit through plenty of mediations that had not done much to rectify the crumpled remains of their failed relationship.

“Don’t tell anyone,” he begged, eyes watering. “It’s new and scary, and nobody knows—”

“Dick,” she interrupted, “I need you to take a breath and calm down. It’s okay, I promise.” He did as instructed with his hands clenching the armrests of his chair. “Just explain to me what’s going on between you two.”

Dick nodded. “We’re back together.”

“Oh, my.”

“Yeah…I think we’re going to be okay.” Barbara gave him a small smile. “We’re happy.”

“Okay.”

“So you won’t tell?” he asked hopefully.

“You’re secret is safe with me. And Jason,” she added as an afterthought. “I suppose with Kori, too—”

_“Babs!”_

She loved her job.


End file.
